On letting go

I am curious about where this all may end. Where we all must find ourselves in the years following this aching one. There are so many ways to get there, and it seems none of ours are ever really the same at all. It all feels heavy lately, like maybe we’re doing it for the last time, one last hurrah in a place full of sunshine and spilled beers. We pray the tea never runs out. Yet it will, and it does. Things so quickly are gone before we even learn their names. There is a rhythm to these days, Mondays are for writing and I let myself stay up late on Thursdays. I drink coffee after 6pm and the only time anyone ever notices what we do from day to day is when it’s already halfway gone. There is so much here to hold onto, to save like pictures to reminisce over later. I will hold onto it. I say this like a mantra.

The days are shorter and love looks like the too-young boy behind the bar with hair in his eyes. We don’t ever stop dreaming of ways to get out. Except he did, and he got all he ever hoped for. And I know it isn’t going to be like that here anymore. We will find our way back to all that is worth finding our way back to. No one ever really changes. We are who we are, till the end. When I think about this year, and all I have hoped, and lost, and held onto, it feels more like a movie I fell asleep watching than anything I lived through. I do not believe I could have made it through all of this. And yet, I did- we all did. There are lifetimes of heartbreaks in a day, and I will never look at a balcony the same way. You can love everything you have, and still want to throw it away. He has always known this. No one keeps anyone. In the end, maybe all we have is the idea of what we believe we had. We have to hope it will feel like enough. I have so much to say lately I get lost inside it all.

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